


good night bear

by masonlovesdanandphil



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Fluff, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:00:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27107599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masonlovesdanandphil/pseuds/masonlovesdanandphil
Summary: “good night bear i love you”dan howell loves phil lester.phil lester loves dan howell.you know the story two soulmates who met on the internet.  just something is different.dan can’t sleep without watching phil’s videos. oh and phil stopped filming videos
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 13
Kudos: 16





	1. one

dan’s pov

i don’t know how it started but his voice. it was just his voice. his voice comforted me more than anything else. when i cried myself to sleep it was him who calmed me down. when i felt alone, my computer glare made me feel less. phil lester. amazingphil. my favourite youtuber. the only person who ever cared about me even if it was only through the screen. 

i love him. i mean i never knew i would love someone i have never met but i do. i get lost in his eyes and i dream about running my hands through his hair. 

it became routine closing my laptop when i was falling asleep and kissing it and whispering “good night lion” and sometimes i hear him saying “good night bear.” 

he doesn’t know i exist. he probably would think i’m a creep.


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter is gonna be quite sad but here's a wholesome chapter to lead you in slowly.

phil's pov

my analytics were low. i have been doing this youtube thing for a while and not really getting anywhere. i suppose it is the newest of it or more likely no one wants to watch a northern 22-year-old talk about random things and make stupid sketches with friends. 

it is interesting you see, youtube allows me to see when people are watching my videos. most people on average watch them as soon as they come out which i appreciate. yet there is one person who seems to watch them every night. youtube hasn't introduced a way for me to know this person's name or where they are watching from. so i just call them bear. every time i post a new one i whisper good night bear. i like to imagine it is someone who finds comfort in my content and makes them feel less alone in this huge neverending universe. i wish i could tell that person "it is alright to be scared, i'm here for you" but i don't even know their name. 

it would be easier if i did. 

it is ridiculous to be honest. they can't hear me but it sort of comforts me in a way. i hope they are alright and safe.


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this isn't too much pain i hope :>

dan’s pov

i opened my computer screen to a screenshot from phil’s latest video. his eyes look really blue in it. i gladly drown in those eyes not my own brain. people always say to talk to other people about your problems. i can’t speak to my parents because they believe a young man like me shouldn’t be feeling feelings. i can’t speak to adrian because he is ten. so i will speak to you phil, though you can’t hear me. it will comfort me.

_i was told by my teacher that i should probably start writing my personal statement for university. although i do not know what i want to do with my life, never mind what i plan to do tomorrow. i tend to not think about the future as it just causes panic attacks and scars that i will regret the next day. My mum always tells me that “university is important daniel”. She says a lot of things but that one is the most frequent. i wish i could recognise myself in the mirror and be able to tell you what i am and who i am. But i can’t. i just know facts that everyone seems to know about me like my name is daniel howell, i am seventeen, and i am tall. The one thing that is ever going to change is i want more people to call me dan instead of daniel and i will obviously get older. i bet you would call me dan and other things. Also i am madly in love with you. Yes you. The guy who was born on the 30th January 1987 and is 6’2 like me, who loves Buffy to the point it is an obsession. i am just one in a thousand to you. i am just a statistic. but you don’t know that much about me. for fuck sake Phil! You saved my life and you don’t even know that and frankly i don’t think you ever will._

_please can you do me a favour? it is quite a hard one phil. save me again. it is getting bad again. i don’t want to die yet but that seems the only option to stop this endless pain that i feel day in day out. your videos are the only things that give me strength and a break from my sick brain. i want to hear your voice and call me lovely and tell i am loved. you have done all this life before i have. tell me how to cope with it. i can’t stand it phil! i want to cry and hurt and feel something again. i am scared about everything including myself. i don’t want to be gay phil. i will go to hell according to everyone i know. but i can’t help to love you even if you don’t know me. i love you. and if you love me you would save me again like you did before. please i am almost eighteen._

i closed my laptop after that. it is ridiculous but at least someone knows about all these thoughts that have been torturing my brain. i wish i could just be a normal seventeen year old and just get myself a girlfriend and drink hard to the point i black out. or i wish people would take a notice of me and not just walk past me. phil would understand. i always tell myself that. phil would understand and phil cares. but. there is that voice in my head telling me that he doesn’t care. he doesn’t care about me no one does. i just use him as a coping mechanism and one day i will open my eyes and realise he isn’t even real just a stupid way my brain is using to cope. this is why i have no friends. i make things up like phil. there is no amazingphil. it would just be more proof to my parents that i am insane. but he is real. i swear. he is my best friend and my soulmate. no one can take that away from me not even myself.  
he is real. phil lester is real. but the doubt i have. only i, daniel howell aged seventeen will make up someone to cope with this depression that plagues my day to day life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it only gets more angsty from here :<


	4. four

phil 

Do you ever feel like every day is the exact same as the last, like all the weeks just fade into one and you can not figure why that is? That is exactly what I am going through right now. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame it on being in university or being away from home, it is just how life is right now for me. I just feel alone in the great big universe. I just want to make a difference and change the world in some sort of way. 

I don't want to be just Phil from Rossendale, I want to be Phil from Rossendale who made something of himself and prove those stupid school bullies wrong. There is one question that I keep being asked by everyone I know. "Where do you see yourself in five years?" In five years I will be 27 and hopefully successful as well as happy maybe in love. 

I know it is inevitable, I will work at a deadbeat job and never fall in love. Oh and the youtube thing will not work, it's a time-waster and nothing more. I am glad, I made some people happy I think but no more. I am going to do something reckless and out of character for once in my fucking life. No one can stop me. No one can and ever will stop me. I am sorry to the 50,000 people who gave me attention but it's not working. From tomorrow AmazingPhil will be no more.

dan 

"Daniel"

I can hear my mum calling my name and know she will again in the next minute but I am choosing to ignore her because sometimes there are things that are way more important than a stupid parents' evening. 

One of those things is trying to work what Phil's cryptic tweet could possibly mean. The tweet reads "The lion will stop roaring tomorrow" The only thing I can think of is... No. He can't leave Youtube, I don't know what I will do without his videos playing in the background of my life whether I am getting changed for school or trying sleep at night. He is the one stable thing I have in my life. He just can't! 

So, I decided to tweet to him while I can hear my mum yelling me for what seems like the millionth time but more likely the fourth time. I send the tweet "Bear doesn't want to go to bed without a good night from Lion."

phil

I feel selfish for doing this but it has to be done before I do this, I am going to read through the replies on Twitter. I made the tweet complicated because I didn't feel like it was right to say what I was actually thinking which was "I am leaving Youtube after 3 amazing years because I don't feel like it was going anywhere." I see the standard replies like people being confused and others saying please don't leave :(. 

However, there is one that catches my eye from some guy called Daniel Howell. I read out loud, "Bear doesn't want to go to bed without a good night from Lion." He is Bear. This boy Daniel is Bear, the one I have said good night to every time I look at my analytics. He is real and I decided to just tweet back "I will send you a good night by direct message don't you worry bear." 

I just found who Bear was and suddenly I don't want to leave, well I do but I can't because of him and I don't know what's so special about this guy but I feel like I have known him my entire life. Like he is my soulmate if those existed.


	5. five

phil

I really need to sort out my sleep schedule. I stayed up to 5am watching meaningless videos on my laptop and I have a lecture in two hours. I have also been thinking about "bear", I have made a decision, I will probably regret it in a few months maybe a few days, or maybe my entire life. The two hours before my lecture, I film a makeshift video stating why I'm not uploading to YouTube anymore. It hurts sure but I feel like I need to. I need to get somewhere with my life like everyone told me back home, "Phil, this YouTube thing is not going to work forever you realise." I can hear my mum's voice say over and over again. However I don't wanna be one of those people who are born and raised in a little town and they live there until the dying days, that thought has terrified me ever since I was about 12. You know that phase in every teenager's life when they hate everything to do with where they grow up.

I edited the video fairly quickly. I'm pleasantly surprised I didn't cry even though every part of me wanted to but it's a pathetic thing to cry at. Before I click the upload button, open Twitter and direct message Daniel Howell, A simple short message "Good morning Bear , you will get through this day thank you for being there Lion x". That's when they start crying,, the tears keep flowing and I can't seem to stop them. I'll skip that lecture I can't take it I just want Bear to be okay. Until I know it's okay, I won't go to any lectures or seminars.

Dan

I can't express how much I hate school. It is the slowest thing ever! There was so much I could be done rather than listen to a teacher rant about how I should go to university and if I don't, my entire life and all my good grades will be wasted. It is not that I don't want to go to uni but I don't know what I want to do with my life. Everyone at school knows but I don't. My mum and dad think I should do law or English something along those lines anyway.

After a long day, I decide to open Twitter. I scroll through and I like some random tweets. That's when I noticed, I had a message notification! I don't get messaged that often!

It was AmazingPhil! The message read "Good morning Bear, you will get through this day thank you for being there Lion x". That hurt. I don't wanna get through this day, Phil. I want to get through this life. I want every day to have meaning! I want to have meaning! My only aspiration, my only way of living was living vicariously through him. His life was going somewhere, he was an adult and everything seemed to make sense to him. He had a group of friends, I couldn't name someone who would count me as a friend.

Does he know how it feels being me? I try so hard to get through every day, every hour without wanting to end it. Everyday I wish it was my last on this shitty planet because it feels the same as I am stuck in some sort of loop and I want it to end. It never does. It only becomes bearable when I can ignore the loud tiring universe by watching one of your videos. They deafen it and provide me with some peace. You don't know me Phil and I am sure you never will. But I am going to do something that will make me cringe at the age of eighteen and tell myself god I was really that sad. I sent it. I sent the message, I will regret it. "Hi Phil! It's so surreal you're messaging me!!!"

If I pretend everything is fine. Everything will be fine? Right? I know I am wrong but Phil will see a facade of a happy fan but I know deep down i'm broken and hurt but he doesn't care.


	6. six

Phil

He replied. Of fucking course he replied. I don't have much experience in breaking random people on the internet's hearts but I guess I can start here. I can't do it right now so I guess I will just lie. This is going to hurt me more than he could possibly know. So I just send back "really xd glad to make your day :-3." There. I have done it. I have replied and put my phone down. It vibrates as soon as I put it down, I give a silent prayer hoping it's at least my mum or someone from uni. But it's him again.

According to him, I made more than his day, I made his entire year. That's sweet. Just sad. I am really sorry to this guy if me replying to him made his year, either his year has been shit or he really cares about me. Either way, it is sad. I decided to stalk his profile before I reply to him again. I found out that his name is Daniel and from Reading. He is pretty with brown hair and brown sparkly eyes. I decide to distract myself by engaging in simple conversation with him.

Dan

THE ACTUAL PHIL LESTER REPLIED TO ME TWICE!!!!!!! This is literally the best day of my life ever! I can't think straight. He actually wants to talk to me so I try and start a simple normal talk with a simple hi how are you? He takes his time in replying but I know this is going to be worth the wait.

Dan and Phil

@AmazingPhil: I'm good thanks how about you? =)

@DanHowell: yeah I am great :)) just very tired xd

@AmazingPhil: It is still quite early, you could always just go for a nap

@DanHowell: I could but I don't think that's the best way to spend my day rather spend it talking to you, way more interesting than just dreaming my life away

@AmazingPhil: Fair enough :D

Dan and Phil spoke for literal hours about everything from music to video games even youtube was discussed. The two became friends really quickly from their common interests. The conversation was going smoothly until Dan remembered something quite important.

@DanHowell: I just noticed something lol

@AmazingPhil: What?

@DanHowell: I have definitely missed my classes today haha

@AmazingPhil: Don't worry I miss lectures all the time just remember to go to them tomorrow okay

@DanHowell: Phil. I mean school, not uni. I am in Year Thirteen, I have my A levels soon XD

@AmazingPhil: Oh

@DanHowell: oh?

@AmazingPhil: You should've not skipped school just to talk to me, Dan! Like you said, your A levels are soon

Phil

I just spent 6 hours of my life talking to someone who I really thought was my age, turns out they are a good four years younger than me! Great! He is not even in first year, he hasn't even done his A-Levels for fuck sake. I can't believe he skipped school to speak to me, I should not be his priority What the actual fuck is wrong with him? He should have just gone to school and left me on read. Unless...

Dan and Phil

@AmazingPhil: Did you notice that you were missing school when you were messaging me or did you just notice just then?

@DanHowell: yeah... I did notice, just chose not to react like oh cool I would have been crying in geography right now but instead, I’m talking to the AmazingPhil

@AmazingPhil: Why would you be crying?

@DanHowell: a lot of reasons why I would be crying xd

@AmazingPhil: Like?

@DanHowell: how long do you have???

@AmazingPhil: Enough time. You can tell me anything, Dan

@DanHowell: you called me dan :’)

@AmazingPhil: Yeah xd that’s your name isn’t it

@DanHowell: well it’s daniel but i always wanted to be called dan

@AmazingPhil: Oh okay but more importantly why would you be crying?

@DanHowell: in summary, I feel like everything is just worthless and there is no point to this neverending universe. in the long run, we are all going to die so why do my A Levels matter, I will just end working in some mundane office job for the rest of my days. until I die of old age and when I am on my deathbed only then n I will realise I should have lived and loved but it will be too late. 

@AmazingPhil: :( I wish I could prove to you how your life isn't worthless Dan

@DanHowell: Oh and another thing

@AmazingPhil: Yeah

@DanHowell: Your videos were the only thing keeping me sane. They made my days less shitty and gave me meaning. They allow me to get through the day. I could have the worse day possible because of my stupid depression but you would upload made me forget about it for a brief moment, it was the distraction I needed which I don't think I deserved. Your videos were like the backing track of my life and I don't like the quiet. I fell asleep to your videos and woke up to your face. Your videos made me feel safe and loved and cared for. And what did you do? You stopped. My life was going somewhere, you unknowingly gave me the strength to carry on through your videos and now they're gone. Thanks for that Phil ! I love you so much so this hurts but thank you

@AmazingPhil: I am sorry Dan. I am really sorry. I never knew how much my videos meant to anyone. I just filmed them and edited them without a care in the world. But I can't keep making them I need to get somewhere in life and Youtube won't do that. I promise you that I will try and make you feel like that again without my videos.

@DanHowell: You promise?

@AmazingPhil : You have my word Dan

Phil

How can I fix this broken boy when I am broken myself?


	7. seven

Dan

I don’t know how I feel today, Phil promised me that he will make me feel like I did when I watched his videos. I guess I feel hopeful as Phil is giving me personal messages to get through the day. It will definitely help I guess. I just wish I could talk to him, all the time but I guess a message every morning is a start. I wonder what he will message me today.

Phil  
What do I even message Dan? I am not the best at giving out advice but I can try. I should try to make a simple and sweet message like “you can do it” but less cheesy and default and not something he could easily get a therapist to say. Why am I so bad at this? This should be easy but it is really not. So I just messaged him a simple “Hi Dan! You can do today, I believe in you.” I hope that the simple message helps in some way or another.

Dan  
I got my message from Phil. It reads simply “Hi Dan! You can do today, I believe in you”, simple motivation for the day ahead which I know that is going to be hard. I have an interview with my headmaster about what I plan to do with my life. I have decided to do in Law in university as it seems like it will get me somewhere in life much more than just watching youtube all day and scrolling on tumblr. I don’t even respond to Phil’s message, I think the seen receipt will be enough.

My day goes mundane from the message to now, I am waiting for the interview. I should be fine, the headmaster is a lovely guy, I am just nervous and anxious. What if I get told that I am not good enough for university? What if he just laughs in my face and the thought of me doing law? I can already hear him laugh and it is loud. Can my brain please shut up for once in my life! I want to go home, I don’t want to be here, this entire thing is a waste of my time. 

“Mr. Howell”

Shit! I guess it is now or never until I remember what Phil said to me. He believes in me. The actual AmazingPhil believes in me. I smile at the headmaster as I walk into the room. When I sit down, I can hear Phil’s voice saying “I believe in you Dan.”, I smile at the thought of him saying that and calling me Dan. I still fidget with my hands and avoid eye contact, when the headmaster is speaking until he asks me, a question I was not expecting. “What makes you stand out Daniel?, Why should a university pick you compared to one of your peers?”

I never planned this but I am a drama student so I can improvise to an extent. I smile at him and say “When I enjoy something and I am truly interested in it, I won’t stop talking about it. It becomes my way of life and I can not imagine my life without it. It becomes like an addiction you see but one that no matter how much help or therapy I receive I can’t break it. I know that university will become this. I am interested in my studies and nothing can stop that. So I guess universities should pick me because I care and I am addicted to what they are offering.” I think that made sense anyways. He smiles at me and shakes my hand and says “Very well Daniel, thank you for your time.” 

I never lied except for the fact, my studies aren’t my addiction but in fact Phil’s videos. Phil is that thing, I can’t live without. He is truly the habit I can’t break.  
Phil’s advice helped loads, I would have just walked home and avoided the interview until the day I died if it wasn’t for him believing in me. I hope he knows that he is an incredible person. 

Phil  
I am a bad person. I am not the sort to really admit this sort of thing but I really am. I am too nice you see. I always give but I never receive. I can be so sweet and kind to literally everyone but one person. Myself. You see, it becomes harder when you give people advice from everything from grief to breakups meanwhile you aren’t over a certain person’s deaths or you have a long list of breakups that still feel raw. So I am so annoyed with myself agreeing to help Dan. He is a seventeen year old, he will be fine, he doesn’t need me in his life. I know he said I made a huge impact in his life through my videos but to be frank the boy needs to get out more. 

He should not waste his life being obsessed with AmazingPhil. AmazingPhil ha. I have never done anything amazing in my entire life. I am good at showing a facade that I am happy, extroverted and love being amongst people all the time. When really I get sad frequently, I prefer my own company and I can’t even book an appointment myself without getting all anxious. I wish Dan knew that. Life doesn’t become magically simple the moment you turn eighteen or twenty or even fucking twenty-two in my case. I wish it did but it doesn’t. I hope my simple cheesy message helped in one way. I wish I could give advice and actually listen to it myself and use it. 

Examples of advice of mine that I wish I could use! One: Grief is natural and it doesn’t have a time limit. I have been grieving for two years now can it stop? I know he would want me to live my life to the fullest and do my own thing but I can’t stop thinking about what if he was here. Two: Breakups happen for a reason. What was the reason in every single relationship I have ever had? It was me. I know for a fact it was me. 

Thinking of relationships, I wouldn’t mind being Dan’s age again back when love wasn’t complicated and just happened. He probably has a girlfriend and she is very lucky to have him. He is a lovely guy. I would love to be in a relationship again but I know my heart is just going to get broken again. So I don’t think I will get into one because it always ends in disaster sadly.   
I hope Dan has had a good day today because he deserves it. 

Dan

I have a decent day for once, All thanks to Phil’s message I can’t imagine what he will say to me tomorrow. I message him “Thanks” He replied straight away “You’re welcome Dan.”


	8. eight

Dan  
It was a simple reply of you’re welcome, he is probably busy with more important things like uni or he is out with his friends. I would love to know his friends! I bet they are all funny and lovely just like him. I wish I could tell him how much his message meant to me but it doesn’t seem the right time. That night I slept hugging my phone and kept it on twitter knowing that Phil messaged me there. For once in my life, I feel hopeful! I wonder what his message he will be tomorrow. 

Phil   
I couldn’t think of something that deep or that meaningful to say to Dan today other than have a good day. He probably thinks I am going to something profound and deep. I really hope this simple message helps in some way. I can hardly ask Dan to give me advice because what sort of advice can a teenager give an adult? Dan seems like such a great person, I just wish he wouldn’t get so upset about things that don’t really matter in the real world. 

He always tells me about his day, good or bad. Ever since I started to send him messages. It’s nice being able to think of someone else, other than myself, relaxes me in a weird sort of way. I feel as though I have some sort of responsibility. Day by day, I learn more about Dan from his favourite Music to his bad habits. It’s really interesting learning about someone, I guess you could say we are friends. We talk all the time well when I don’t have lectures and Dan Doesn’t have school. It’s a nice friendship, we exchange tweets and videos that make us laugh. We also talk about other staff fears and doubts and worries. 

Dan doesn’t make me feel awkward about talking about myself. He just listens and I listen to him. We definitely have something special. I couldn’t think of a better friend. I hope Dan thinks the same, it would be great if he does. 

Dan  
So recently Phil I’ve been talking to me more. Every day without fail, he asked me about my day and we talk and we talk. It keeps my mind off things, I know instead of crying or doing something stupid I can just talk to him. For once in my life I have a healthy way to cope. Now you see my problem is I think I might have a slight crush on Phil. I did before but that was just me finding him attractive. 

He makes me feel good about myself, I think that’s what love is. The biggest problem has to be the fact that I don’t want to be gay and I really doubt the feeling is mutual. I’m just a stupid 17-year-old with a stupid crush on an older friend. Maybe I’ve just got the feelings confused, The lack of friends making a line between platonic and romantic blurry. Right?


End file.
